blogger is acting crappy? wtf?

Well I saw Jason X. First a tangent story. The weird part of this entire movie going experience is that I had the flick on a CD courtesy of my horror patriot Seth. But I totally refused to see Mr. Voorhees on my itsy bitsy monitor but instead paid my $9.50 to experience it on the big screen. The theatre had less people than an Exposgame. It's an odd feeling who would wanna watch Jason X. Thugs, old men, random white trash. You even feel sorry for somebody who tried to sneak in for these piece of crap. Well on to the review!

First let me tell you this is a Canadian production. Oh those horror obsessed Canadians. They sure love their horror eh? Seriously. The majority of traders on the net and on E-bay are from the great up north. I mean the Americans just gave up on F13th and the Candians still eat this shit up. Go figure. You'd hope they revitalize the cannibal genre too.

Anyway, the story goes that Jason Voorhees, the greatest serial killer of all time (according to the flick he's killed more than 200 people, wtf?) has been captured but is immuned from any death penalty the government can muster. So a scientist played by the lovely Lexa Doig try to cryogenically freeze him and of course he escapes. Fast forward to 400 years into the future...Canadian teenagers of the future are on a expedition to crappy uninhabited Earth. Hot Canadians (thats an oxymoron), are still obsessed with sex and a crew which consist of students, military Mounties, a corrupt principal and an android are all about to get killed, decapitated, mutilated, screwed by hockey masked Jason Voorhees.

OK giant sidenote. Lexa Doig is hot. And as I am obsessed with all things Filipino I would like to point out that Ms. Doig is half Filipina, half white. But she's pure Canadian. Hey, she's representin. She's in Jason X, Andromeda, a couple of other flicks. Mind you she has to suffer through Kevin Sorbo's horrendous acting but she plays an AI like no one else.

So basically they bring Jason and Lexa aboard (she was frozen too) and they both get thawed out. Now as I was watching this Jason developed new super powers I've never seen before.

1.) Jason now has a higher pain tolerance than his previous 9 movies. Bullets, phasers, knives, machine guns don't even make a dent on the J-man. It's like he's immuned from all pain in general. kick ass!

2.) Jason can hear sex across several continents. In one scene, a couple of Canadian teenagers are having sex like 7 decks away. Jason's "Sexdar" is so good it automatically hones in on where they are so he can maim them.

3.) Jason's hockey mask is unbreakable. Nuff said.

It's your typical slasher flick. Jason kills the teenagers, the space troopers, the scientists all in great ways. One girl has her face frozen then smashed. There is throat slashing, a guy gets screwed (literally), another decapitation, and he even uses some wrestling moves to add to his repertoire of death.

The final draw comes when the android blows Jason literally to pieces. Thus we have the gratuitous regeneration scene that creates uber-Jason. Ah yes, new mask, Terminator like endo skeleton and an awesome futuristic machete. We only see uber Jason for like 15 minutes but at this point all you can figure is that he's gonna be jetisoned to out of space. Of course Jason can totally survive in the vacuum of space and somehow the laws of physics are out of sync and he manages to get back to the ship. How will they kill uber Jason? All I'm gonna say is this. Token black guy.

It's a silly movie, filled with very dumb jokes but I mean the previous 9 movies had there share. A great scene ala a holodeck of good old Camp Crytal Lake was a nice touch. Jason seem to become a joke in some ways. But its all in good fun. I would have liked if he were back at the camp, stalking kids in the woods but the Jason has already hit Manhattan and been some sorta of druid ghost supernaturally body jumping blob. Sending him to space was a novelty they had to try.

James Issac wanted this to resemble Alien and hey it's not like he had Industrial Light and Magic at his disposal.

If I think of anymore I can say about Jason X, I'll post it. If you want to own the film, e-mail me and we can figure a trade.

Jason Voorhees, Star Wars: Episode 2, Hulk Hogan is champ, Ozzy Osbourne. Ahhh I love the 80's in the new millenium.