Various movie quotes from Kevin Smith flicks

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

[from "Clerks"]

Olaf Oleeson: [singing] Do you want to be making fuck, BERZERKER!
Jay's Lady Friend: Did he just say "making fuck"?

[from "Clerks"]

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter.]
Woman with daughter: Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for?
Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Daughter: Happy Scrappy...
Woman with Daughter: She loves it.
Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh...yeah...Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?

[from "Clerks"]

Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S. Quint: Sure it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S. Quint: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.

[from "Mallrats"]

T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.
Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.
Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?
Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him!

[from "Mallrats"]

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he cum, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

[from "Mallrats"]

Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky:Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!

[from "Chasing Amy"]

Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or...or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do...what do they do? They...They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions...by inhibiting our decisions, out of...out of fear of some...some intangible parent figure who...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says...and says, "Do it--Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you!"

[from "Dogma"]

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

[from "Dogma"]

Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby:Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gamorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires!
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting practice one can engage in. Next to soccer.

[from "Dogma"]

Randal Graves: Do you think Phantom Menace is as good of a movie as Empire?
George Lucas: Well, certainly, I think it's the best movie I've made yet.
Randal Graves: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?
George Lucas: Well, my kids thought...
Randal Graves: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trains him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains him?
George Lucas: Um, well, the power of myth...
Randal Graves: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but told people you had it written for years?
Lawyer: Objection! The pod race was pretty cool.

[from "Clerks: The Animated Series"]

Dante Hicks: You know what the real tragedy of this day is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

[from Clerks]

End Transmission

Guns don't kill people, insane ex-military gun happy, NRA members, white rednecks kill people

Did i offend you? Good. Serves you right. At least once in our life you have to be offended. We all fall into one sub group be it race, gender, sexual orientation, class, news group, mental deficiency, etc.

For some unknown reason, from the last time i posted to now i totally forgot i had a blog. and then this morning when i was eating a pizza and drinking a slurpee i remembered. it must have been the brain freeze.

So i recently watched the best movie you will see this year. Bowling for Columbine. A documentary by Michael Moore.
Yes, it's the same Michael Moore that brought you superb documentaries like Roger and Me and The Big One.

So your saying to yourself why should I see a film when I'm not a leftist, anarchist, Green party, Nader loving, Chomsky reading conspiracy-nut? Well you just have to see it ok? Of course its totally slanted, anti-government and full of ideas that you would soon denounce and argue with your liberal friends about. But it's got Moses himself, Charlton freakin Heston!!! NRA president an all around Joe American.

***SPOILERS AHEAD*** (screw it! Read anyway as the flick is still damn funny if when you know what's to come)

Briefly the movie is about guns. DUH! American have committed the most firearm deaths per year in the entire world surpassing Japan, Canada, Germany, Britain and other countries. (see stats below)

Germany: 381
United Kingdom: 68
France: 255
Australia: 65
Canada: 165
Japan: 39
United States: 11,127

Moore goes around exposing the humorous gun culture in "The Big One" and taking us through the tragedy it has caused as well. He interviews John Nichols brother of Terry Nichols (one of the men who blew up the Federal builing in Oklahoma City). He also talks about how the media blamed a variety of things to explain the shootings at Columbine and in his home town of Flint (where a 6 year old boy killed a 6 year old girl). He interviews Marilyn Manson, Matt Stone (of South Park) and of course Charlton Heston himself.

So many scenes are disturbing. The flashback sequence in surveillance footage of the 2 kids who started shooting kids at Columbine, the life of the mother who's son was involved in the Flint shooting, the American atrocities footage of "foriegn policy" being delivered to other countries and the utter sadness of two kids who survived Columbine but are and never will be healed by their physical and mental wounds.

However other scenes are so sarcastically humorous you can't help but laugh. Moore gets a bank account and a free gun w/ ammunition. The "Brief History of America" cartoon montage (probably put together my Matt Stone) which can be seen here. The K-Mart redemption, interviews with the Michigan milita, interviews with Canadian youth and the entire interview with John Nichols.

No film in my mind has been so timely and outright abrasive as Bowling for Columbine. Moore outdoes himself on this one. He exposes a small sub culture in America that probably is not as small as you think. It's funny, informative, and idea provoking (that enough cliches for you?). Seriously, you can watch movies about a video tape brings death, a couple of kids crashing into stores, a ghost ship, some white girl going down south and a movie about some dumb white rapper's life anytime. See this film now.

A few other things. I heard Michael Moore speak a couple of months ago at a theatre around Lincoln Center. He was on stop #1 on his book tour for Stupid White Men
He talked about the struggle of getting his book published and answered people's questions and showed some raw footage of Bowling for Columbine. One lady asked if he could give some answers to his complaints and grievances. But alas Michael couldn't give detailed answers of how to fix America. He responded with what he could. But in it's own way one man can't fix the woes of America. It has to be lead by the public. The masses have to unite and together come up with solutions. But also, for now, somebody out there has to whine and complain about all the problems in this country. Somebody has to tell the truth to the public and hope they take notice. Moore does this in his documentaries and books. Other's like Ralph Nader do this politically. Noam Chomsky...through books and essays and even George Carlin through his stand up act and books.

It's all a battle that has only begun.

After I left the theatre my friend and I saw a couple of NYC cops, complete with a gun on their side. It made me think. Insane ex-military gun happy, NRA members, white rednecks are NOT the only people who kill people. Anybody who owns a semi-automatic assault rifle, a 9mm or a Bushwick rifle and be it any kind of gun can kill people. You don't have to be a sniper to know that.

End Transmission