Buy me something dammit!

In order to provide you with the best in blog ramblings and leftover thoughts, we need fuel. That's where you come in.Yes, I'm talking to you. You the readers are what keeps me going. So the best fuel to run on and to keep me writing these witty one liners and useless trivia are gratuitous and very very cheap gifts.

So check out my wishlist.

[Most of items are DVD's (horror related of course), books, movies, etc.]

Please, I'm begging you do not buy me anything on this list. I am not a solicitor. I am only suggesting a means of action whereas a gift to me is a equal barter for more humorous mumbo jumbo and commentary on unrelated things. OK I am a liar. Jeff likes gifts. But who in their right mind would buy a total stranger a gift off an Amazon wish list.

I was reading a blog where some dude bought this cam girl some very expensive retro 80's toys. ANd she didn't even show off her boobies. WTF?

So anyway back to the point, the list is there. These are the items that I must resist buying at Best Buy.

But c'mon that Segway kicks ass...no?

End Transmission

It's a blur and other leftovers

I've never ever had a good, decent not looking like a dumbass geekazoid picture of myself. It seems the camera dislikes me. I'm not saying I'm a fuckin model, all I'm saying is for once I'd like a rock star picture of myself. You know cigarette smoke, razzled hair, a background of punk rock posters. An unemotional look on my face that says "Yes, he's got more style than a garbageman on his day off".
It's never gonna happen.

I've been having lusty thoughts about Avril Lavigne. If she's a minor I am a bad disgusting person. If not, I'm going back to sleep.

I just filled my car with gas at a Mobil station. I paid $1.73 a gallon for the Special. Driving home, I passed a Mobil gas station. $1.67 for the Special. WTF?

Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller were arrested for child porn and other related sexual depravities.
The first thing that came to my head was: "I bet you never smelled a real school bus before?" (OK, think hard. Last scene in the flick. Arghh I give up.)

Can you leave those Pocohontas dollar coins as a tip? I mean does it have to be paper? I once thought about leaving a $3 Metrocard as the tip. This should be acceptable compensation.

My friend commented: Do black people really like Eminem? I can't picture couple of brutha's just chillin and one guy saying "Yo, fuckin Eminem is the shit yo. He got mad skillz!". It's like saying white people like O.J. cuz he beat the rap.

You ever smoke a cigarette with the hiccups? Physically it's a challenge. You inhale, hiccup. You exhale, hiccup. This is the only time the hiccup wins.

I just came from Best Buy. It takes serious will power to not buy anything. I will not buy The Goonies DVD for $14.99. What?!? They are selling Gremlins 1 and 2, special edition for $20?!? Are they mad? Must resist buying cheesy 80's flicks that only remind me of my naive youth.

If I had my own TV show, I'd host a reality show called "Pick a Pocket". You would go up to a stranger on the street and try to pick his wallet. If you were successful you kept the money. If not, the show would call the cops. I think this would work. Perfect show for Fox.

For $50,000, disgrarding any laws you would break, would you go to work naked? Like buck naked. You could carry your wallet or purse. You'd ride the subway naked. Eat lunch naked. Work naked. I need to run my own network.

Everybody has that friend that's way too much into the Internet. You know, I think I'm usually that friend. But hey, it might be you.

I've searched for porn on Kazaa. I'll admit it. But at least I'm not the guy who's downloading Joe Public's "live and learn".

What would happen if you started smoking in your cubicle? Is that grounds to be fired? This is the stuff I think about when I'm eating french fries and the TV is broken.

Those 1-800 commericals. They've teamed up ALF and Hulk Hogan. What's next Corey Feldman and the "Where's the Beef?" lady?

I was walkin down the street when 3-4 people with phone headsets passed me by the street, They were talking, waving their arms and having a really stimulating conversation. I miss the people who didn't need phone headsets to have a stimulating conversation.

I now know the meaning life. It's...........................oh crap! I just set myself on fire!!!!

My face is on a t-shirt at Hot Topic. Does this mean I'm cool and officially part of pop culture?

I only consider you really smart if you can quote a 3 Homerisms.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.? That's the American way.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

I think I've seen more than a 100,000 movies. That's not even a lot.

What's the farting protocol at work? Can you just let one rip in your cubicle? Isn't that your little work space? I mean from my computer to the cubicle "door" that's my territory. I'm just marking it.

You do know the guy selling the old library books, a broken plate and tea cup and the wooly sweaters on the street just stole all this shit like an hour ago right?

How hard is it to flush a urinal??? It's not rocket science. You grip the silver handle and push down. I mean honestly dude. Were you toilet trained?

When Yao Ming posterizes a dunk over a black NBA player, that guy has to lose his ghetto pass.

and finally......

I'd like a decent picture of myself. One where I am not looking all onfused like I lost my bus pass on the first day of high school. Is that too much to ask?

End Transmission

Writing can solve the world's problems

"It's a philosophy of poetics. A politics if you will. A literature of protest.A novel of ideas. A pornographic magazine of truly comicbook proportions."

-Henry Fool
From Henry Fool (1997)

And so it goes. Thunderish applause from an empty theatre. The gold medal of the imagination olympics. What kind of prize can you win when the contest is in your head and you are the lone participant. I wage a war in my head, it is a bloody battle in which I have lost numerous brain cells. The slaughter is genocidal. And the agony of defeat is supersonic. Can you reverse the Earth's rotation with a little voicebox or a stroke of the pen? And so it goes.

We, the people of humankind, embattled by a sense of desire. A desire to do. To Do. If you listen closely, it's beating within the hearts of all of us. It's the wrinkle in your shirt. The salt on your fries. The crack in your voice. If you could smoke out the beast, it would be a thing of beauty. A golden shining suitcase. And so it goes.

The remnants of a basic instinct to claim existence is survived only by the fact we can only keep running to that light at the end of the tunnel. A gratuitous cliche. Only fitting that it is as honest as can be. When will we learn to scribble, type and voice the words and the sounds of our lives? Always clouded in secrecy. Sometimes stolen by the word con artists. The pseudo talented prophets. I voice my words with a jagged sword on a bunch of 1's and 0's. And so it goes.

Simon Grim: I worked, while you sat back and comfortably dismissed the outside world as too shallow, stupid and mean to appreciate your ideas.
Henry Fool: Is that such a priority? Is that some sort of measure of a man's worth? To drag what's best in him out into the street so every average slob with some pretense to taste can poke it with a stick?
Simon Grim: Maybe. Maybe it is.

So I am bleeding my voice into your ear aches. Is it that hard to be heard? The stretching of contractions, the silly putty within words and the super glue within sentences. It's all gibberish anyway. Please place the square box into the triange opening. Yes it fits! I am an everyman. I do not preach. I paint words (another cliche!?!). I will break the pottery of Starbuck chain stores. And so it goes.

Are you staring blankly (and blinking) into the computer screen? Click the mouse. So many words. I count a trillion. One trillion one. One trillion two. One trillion three.
I'm weaving them together. A quilt of the end of the universe. And so it goes.

I've just realized I can't move. But I can think. And so it goes.

"It is, in the end, whatever the hell I want it to be. And when I'm through with it, it's gonna blow a hole this wide straight through the world's own idea of itself."

-Henry Fool
From Henry Fool (1997)

End Transmission

Movie Reviews I wrote for Netflix when I thought Netflix was cool

So Netflix every now and then will send me e-mails to join again. Fuck em. They don't deserve my patronage.
Scum sucking Nazi DVD retards.

But while I was a member I wrote various movie reviews on almost every flick I rented. Just force of habit I guess. I would try to defend the shitty movies I thought were good.
Make fun of movies people deemed rent worthy. And so it went.

Well, I highly recommend some of the flicks below. None of it is Hollywood regurgiated vomit. These movies are mostly flicks you've never heard of. Here is a list of B movies that probably you overlooked while browsing at RCA Video when you should have been at Big Choice.

So without further a do.

Q: The Winged Serpent

I was figuring this to be a cheesy B-movie, Godzilla/King Kong like movie...but it didn't have any cheese. I can appreciate a film where you can MST3K it but this was so bad I was writhing in pain while viewing it. I think it might have had to do with how I can't tolerate David Carradine and how the serpent had like 10% of screen time! Instead I had to endure a dumb plot revolving around a totally unlikeable character. Larry Cohen made It's Alive and some other B-movie flicks. At least those had good, cheese.

The Mighty Peking Man

What King Kong didn't have was a half naked blonde bombshell who comes along for the ride. Funny chinese rip off of King Kong, Mighty Peking Man is hilarious, filled with logical loopholes and phony miniature sets. Men in rubber suit costumes never get old. Evelyn Kraft was hotter than the sun. Watch for the opening scene where the natives get attacked. A hoot!

The Thing With Two Heads

It's amazing what you can dig up from the 70's archive of movies. But The Thing with 2 Heads is soooo funny that it is a total product of the decade. A racist white guy has his head attached to a black convict. Excellent concept and they actually pulled it off. You have the odd couple humor, the gratuitous "chase" scene, and the racially sensitive doctor who must make the right choice. It reminded me of Watermelon Man (directed by Melvin Van Peebles) which was in the same vain. Rent this and laugh at this racial comedy romp. You'll definitely have a blast.

For Your Height Only

Weng Weng is outright hilarious in "For Your Height Only". I mean the dubbing alone is worth the rental with the old 20's gangster dialogue with deliveries like "alright sister, freeze, the jig is up" and "why, he's making a monkey out of the forces of evil". Classic! Plus the ending alone makes Commando's body count look pale in comparison. There are short jokes, James Bond jokes and gangster jokes. It's a funny romp...MST3K style.

Gratuitous Horror recommendation

Funny Games

Funny Games is by far a breath of fresh air for the horror genre. You will either love or hate this film. But it will leave a definite impression. Usually, movie violence, action and horror are usually cloaked in plot, humor and characters. What happens when you take away all that? That's what Funny Games is. A movie that lacks plot, creates bland characters and has a plain setting. Michael Haneke leaves you with just the meat. Violence, torture and atrocities. The movie looks at pure unblemished evil. Funny how evil won't disgust people if covered in jokes and mindless violence. Great film. It challenged me about the desensitized nature of society. Hopefully more great cinema will come from Mr. Haneke and German horror cinema.

End Transmission

Test Results